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Can you pick out a Hockey Wife in a crowd?

November 7, 2011

I got another question today...or I guess there were a couple of questions in one email. They both are somewhat related, so I will answer them both in this post.  I think these are great questions!

How did you get into fitness instruction? I know that was not your original career. Is it something you fell into or a direction that you wanted to go. Where do you want to go with it or is it something you want to pursue further? 

Is there any pressure in the business (hockey business) to look a certain way as a coaches wife? I always see really young, thin, fit wives and girlfriends of players (ok mainly thin). Is that something that you think about?  

If you have read my other posts, you probably have seen a few comments about not being your "typical" hockey wife.  The funny thing is I am more of a "typical" woman than what people imagine the wife of an athlete would look like!

Let's take a look at the most famous Hockey Wives....

Hilary, Janet, and Carrie

These ladies are famous, blonde, skinny, and put-together!  I have never met these ladies, but I am sure they are quite nice.  However, they definitely are what most people think of when the conversation of a "Hockey Wife" comes up.  

I know, not all Hockey Wives are blonde, skinny and put-together....but it sure does seem like it!  I am the first to admit that I have never quite felt like I quite fit into the land of Hockey Wife fashion. Whether it was last-minute panic-shopping on New Year's Eve to find an outfit for the game that night....or dreading the end-of-the-season banquet.  I am not a person who can just pull something out of her closet and say "Hmmm, I will wear this tonight".....

Although I am not considered over-weight, I am also not considered skinny.  It is hard for me to find things straight off the rack that fits.  I have a chest (real...or as Courney Stodden would say...RILL), I have a butt, and muscular thighs. I am 5'6" and I have a long torso with shorter legs.  Finding a pair of jeans that fits is like finding a needle in the haystack.  Oh yeah....I almost forgot {whisper} I have cellulite {gasp}.......surely that is a BIG NO-NO in the Hockey Wife world!  Let's not talk about what having two kids has done to my body....
 Again, it is so true that there will always be people smaller than me...and there will be people who are bigger than me.  But when you are around the "smaller" ones all of the time, it is hard to not feel like a square peg...
But I always remind myself that I am strong, I am healthy, and I can hang upside down on a pole by squeezing my big 'ol thighs! 

In my last post, I mentioned how young the players' wives and girlfriends all seem....I am sure it is because I am getting old!  I know I cannot keep up with girls fifteen years younger than me....and I am sure if I were to look back at pictures when I was twenty-one and just dating my husband...I would be jealous of me too!  

However, I would be lying if I didn't say a majority of wives and girlfriends are "genetically" gifted.  But then again, who is to say what is beautiful and what attracts another....


Here’s something you probably don’t know about Flipper: he has retractable penis. And if that’s not cool enough, here’s something else: his penis is prehensile. And it swivels. In fact, a male dolphin can use his penis to explore objects just like a hand.
Male dolphins also have a very strong sex drive. It can mate many, many times in a day. Now here’s the bad news: male dolphins aren’t that much of a stud. The average time to ejaculation? 12 seconds.
Another hushed-up fact is that male dolphins have a ravenous sexual appetite: they often try to hump inanimate objects and even other animals like sea turtles. When a pack of male dolphins happen upon a female, often times they will attempt to force her to mate.

Quick: how do porcupines mate? If you answer: "carefully," you’d only be half right – it’s also "bizarrely." Indeed, porcupines have a very bizarre mating habit:
First of all, female porcupines are interested in sex only about 8 to 12 hours in a year!  Second, to court a female during the short mating season, a male porcupine stands up on his hind legs, waddles up to her, and then sprays her with a huge stream of urine from as far as 6 feet away, and drench his would-be paramour from head to foot!
If the female wasn’t impressed, she’ll scream and shake off the urine.  But, if she is ready, then she’ll rear up to expose her quill-less underbelly and let the male mount her from the behind (that’s the only safe position for porcupines!). Once mating begins, the female is insatiable: she forces the male to mate many times until he is thoroughly exhausted. If he gets tired too quickly, she will leave him for another male!

Banana slug, the beloved mascot of UC Santa Cruz, has a weird mating habit. First of all, they have an enormous penis. (In fact, their latin name dolichyphallus translates to "giant penis.") The average size of a banana slug penis is 6 to 8 inches. This is incredibly impressive, considering their entire body length is 6 to 8 inches as well!
Banana slugs are hermaphrodites, so two slugs will try to fertilize each other. To mate properly, a slug must choose a mate roughly its own size – if it miscalculates, its penis will get stuck during copulation.
This isn’t just an embarrassing faux pas, the other slug will actually bite off the stuck penis, a term scientists euphemistically called "apophallation." 

But wait...I am a fitness come I don't look like this?
and instead look more like this?

How did I become a fitness instructor you ask?  I always danced as a child, and in high school I joined my first gym.  When I started dating my husband, I tried Spinning for the first time.  I loved it, and after some prodding from my favorite instructor...I became certified to teach.  Slowly I started teaching more and more...and eleven years later, this is actually the first year I have not taught Spinning classes! 

Seven years ago, I worked at a gym that offered to pay for half of my personal training I decided to get the certificate.  I keep up with my CEU's and keep it current. Since we move so much it would be impossible to train one-on-one and build a clientele.  However, I do use my certification for group classes I teach. 

Last March I decided to get my Zumba certification without ever having taken a class.  You can read about that here.  I can honestly say I didn't know if I would ever teach Zumba, let alone wear those silly Zumba outfits....but I am currently teaching three classes per week....and loving it.  I also have a drawer full of Zumba clothes!  

Teaching group fitness allows me to do something outside the house.  Since we move so often, it is hard to find a job that fits into our crazy life.  Granted, I seem to start out with the classes nobody wants (Tuesdays at 4:00 pm)  but as the season goes on, I pick up better classes and start building a following.....until the season ends.  Then I leave and have to start all over again..!  

Are you still there?  This sure has turned into a long post.  

To summarize (in case you have decided to skip straight to the end). I have more clothes in my closet that don't fit than do fit, I do not own a Coach bag, and I stress anytime I am required to wear a swimsuit.  

I am not the person that would come to your mind if you are describing your classic "Hockey Wife", but the last laugh is on me.  If you type in Images of Hockey Wife on Google, you get this ....
Yes....That is Hockey Wife Tales on the bottom row, right next to Carrie Underwood! (and a bonus picture of me with Matt Damon!)


Momvstheboys said...

lol great post! see you really do belong with the crowd! love it! It must be a lot of pressure to have a husband in the public eye! Be you, Be Beautiful just as you are! I would love to take a zumba course!

Crytalball1 said...

First of all...I love your honesty! I'm pretty sure we would hang out in real life...of course, until you move somewhere else! I always love your posts...and this one didn't disappoint. Good for you getting your trainer certification...I've tossed the idea around for a lot of years, but have never actually pursued it. Too many kiddos...and hubby is always gone. I'll live precariously thought you!

Big Fat Gini said...

I literally died when I saw the Lego fitness mini-fig. Seriously, I want to glue that to my dashboard forever. 

Esbee said...

Excellent post! Thanks for your candid answers. AND for putting that Lego woman on there. Holy crap that is funny stuff! I think you look fantastic. If I am hanging upside down on a pole it's probably a horrible accident! (And time to call an ambulance) I feel more like the women in the "4:00pm class" photo. 

Again thanks for answering!

Going to look at Lego woman again. It's been a long day.

TexaGermaNadian said...

Love it all! What a great post. And that picture of you with Matt Damon, hot, lol. If we watch hockey on TV or go to a game that the hubs isn't playing it, I am always trying to spot the wives in the crowd. I usually just look for the girls that are too dressed up for a hockey game, haha :) And that is me too, so I can call the kettle black.